Semanticspeak

The following stern warning by the Indian Railways appears on the website of www.indianrail.gov.in :

Warning :  No-one is authorised to make any type of commercial usage like putting any web advertisements or SMS service  and reproducing  /transmitting/storing in its database any content of www. indianrail.gov.in without  prior written permission from Indian Railways. Violators will be strictly prosecuted.

Thank God ,the violators will  be strictly prosecuted. The railways will not be lenient in its prosecution. They are just conveying their intentions.

 "A lot of women approach me for a physical relationship since I have a good physique. However, I am scared. My instructor says that sex reduces physique due to loss of semen since semen is a kind of blood. Is that true or just an old wives' tale?

The instructor badly needs sex education. It is an old wives' tail."

http://www.mumbaimirror.com/net/mmpaper.aspx?page=article&sectid=17&contentid=200807102008071002243648345938ede&pageno=1

A police chief, has come up with a novel idea to tackle the rising crime rate.“If someone comes to rape you, use your mobile phone to record it,” he said . 

"Redaction shoe sale" -the banner invites you warmly into a shop in Bhopal. At first I was intrigued to see the kind of redaction that one could see in a dingy shop which hardly has many visitors. Redaction is not a chemical reaction leading to  the production of red oxide .Apparently what the shop owner is advertising is the attractive festival reduction he is offering on the shoes.

We were talking about the super-ego of one of our senior colleagues and a colleague said "He thinks the sun shines through the nether part of his anatomy" .Some of us objected to the remark for the reason it was not a decent thing to say about one of our senior colleagues.  "Okay,okay ,I don't mean that ; all I have said was that he thinks the sun was shining through the nether part of his anatomy .

By which he meant that he thinks the sun was shining through the nether part of his(the sun's ) anatomy!

In the eighties there was a weekly report being submitted in our organisation to the Management Committee on a few important areas of our Zonal Office's working. These would be discussed week after week and mid-course corrections would be decided upon wherever warranted in the light of the performance indicated therein. In our weekly reports we were giving statistics of the various activities of the bank.The statistics were of course cooked up freshly each week showing a steadily improving trend in the Bank's business and profits. Our weekly reports were showing a positive growth in all sectors ,especially those  which have been identified as special thrust areas.

The officer who was instrumental in the submission of the figures was asked to retrieve the situation."You want to reduce the exposure over the next 20 weeks ? No problem,sir,that shall be done" .After that the milch cattle population froze at the same level for two weeks and thereafter started showing a declining trend .By the end of 20 weeks the level of finance reached what it was fifty weeks ago.

"A Boulder man was arrested early Thursday after police said he crashed a memorial service, grabbed the breast of the deceased woman's sister and showed her mother pornographic pictures.

Marlos Hernandez, 31, faces possible charges of unlawful sexual contact, first-degree burglary and harassment after police said he entered a memorial gathering in another unit of his apartment building that had started Wednesday evening and extended past midnight.

When Hernandez upset the mother of the woman who recently died, other grieving guests became upset and a "physical confrontation" ensued outside the apartment complex in the 700 block of Mohawk Drive, according to police spokeswoman Sarah Huntley.

Hernandez was treated and released from Boulder Community Hospital for a cut to the face. He then was taken to Boulder County Jail, where he remained late Thursday on a $20,000 bond, Huntley said.

The deceased woman whose life was being celebrated Wednesday hasn't been identified. Details of her death aren't known.

Her mother, who hosted the memorial gathering, told police she didn't know Hernandez but wasn't suspicious when he came into her home because lots of people she doesn't know have paid their respects, Huntley said.

Upon entering the apartment, Hernandez went first to the kitchen and put his arm around the deceased woman's teenage sister "as if to comfort her," Huntley said.

But the woman told officers it made her uncomfortable.

"Then he reached down and grabbed one of her breasts," Huntley said.

The sister told police she didn't want to start a confrontation, so she left the kitchen. Hernandez then went near a display of pictures and memories of the deceased and pulled out a cell phone, Huntley said.

"She thought he was going to take a picture of the shrine with his cell phone," Huntley said. "But he showed the mother a pornographic picture instead."

That, Huntley said, upset the mother and her guests, who forced Hernandez outside and started fighting with him.

Police were called to the scene about 12:10 a.m., Huntley said.

"Some people had some physical injuries," she said. All of them were minor."

Contact Camera Staff Writer Vanessa Miller at 303-473-1329 or millerv@dailycamera.com

http://dailycamera.com/news/2008/apr/03/man-suspected-crashing-memorial/?lol

The syntactical awkwardnesses leading to unintended hilarity have been highlighted below

grabbed the breast of the deceased woman’s sister

• at first it appears he grabbed the deceased woman’s breast -
  

upset the mother of the woman who recently died,

• it is not the mother who recently died,it is the daughter -
  

treated and released from Boulder Community Hospital for a cut to the face

• treated and released from Boulder Community Hospital for a cut to the face treated yes but released for a cut ?
  

The deceased woman whose life was being celebrated Wednesday hasn’t been identified. Details of her death aren’t known.

• The deceased woman’s life was being celebrated ?
  

Hernandez went first to the kitchen and put his arm around the deceased woman’s teenage sister "as if to comfort her," Huntley said.

But the woman told officers it made her uncomfortable

• No,no,it is not the deceased woman he put his arms around ,but her teenage sister 
• "the woman told officers it made her uncomfortable" 
• No,no,not the deceased woman .It is the teenage sister who said this. -
  

Then he reached down and grabbed one of her breasts," Huntley said.

• Then he reached down and grabbed one of her breasts: He reached down to grab one of her breasts : reached down?
  

She thought he was going to take a picture of the shrine with his cell phone," Huntley said. "But he showed the mother a pornographic picture instead."

• Picture of the shrine with his cell phone ? What will he do with such a picture ?
  

"Some people had some physical injuries," she said. All of them were minor.

"Some people had some physical injuries" She said.All of them were minor. The people were not minors. Only their injuries were minor.

Some interesting leave applications :

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,please sanction me one week leave"(Infosys,Bangalore)
"As my mother-in-law has expired and i am only responsible for it,please grant me ten days' leave"(H.A.L.Administration Dept.)
"since I am going to the cremation ground at 1'O clock and may not return,please grant me half a day' casual leave"

As I am studying in this school I am suffering from head ache. i request you to leave me today"

A certain stiff-necked  General Manager would normally not grant an audience to any of the members of his staff . A senior officer ,determined to make a representation about an inconvenient posting ,tried to catch the General Manager as he entered his room : "Excuse me ,sir.I was wondering if I could meet you for a moment". The General Manager's  reply was laconic: you wondered, you met for a moment , now what ?" and he quickly walked into his room.

"I have to advise that your return of unclaimed liabilities as the end of 31st March 2008 is not in hand. Please arrange to submit the same .
We request you to ensure that the matter is accorded top priority and the needful is done at the earliest "

 "at the earliest" is vague about the expected date of the receipt of the return. Perhaps the H.O. is not very serious about the receipt per return of post .There is still room for the branch to decide about the dispatch date and the branch  should ensure that the matter is accorded top priority.

In office communications it is only the inanimate things like "returns,' "matter","needful" seem to be moving and active  with self-propelled locomotion. Human beings are self-effacing.